Eventually
by slytherintardis
Summary: It's been two weeks since Neil Perry's death, and Todd Anderson is still being affected. Will Todd ever recover from the loss of his best friend, or will it continue to haunt him forever? Rated T for some language.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Dead Poets Society or any characters mentioned in this story. **

Todd leaned over his notebook with this head in his hands. He had been trying to write a poem for the last hour, but his writers block was becoming worse with every passing minute. He closed his eyes and sighed, squared himself, and tried to take another stab at this poem. With his pencil at the ready, he waited for words to spill out through his fingertips like they used to: how the scratch of his pencil would cause Neil to curiously look up from whatever he was studying and ask Todd what he was working on now.

Todd blinked as the blank page mocked him.

"Dammit!" Todd screamed, slamming his pencil down on his desk and pushing his notebook to the floor. There were so many pent up emotions inside him, and it was impossible to get them out.

Ever since Neil died, Todd had changed. Todd had always been filled to the brim with emotions, but poetry was his way of calmly and creatively expressing himself. Neil had always been his number one fan, avidly listening to every word of Todd's poems whenever he was confident enough to read them aloud.

But now that his biggest fan was gone forever, Todd couldn't seem to write a single line of poetry. The words that used to knit themselves together beautifully now chaotically jumped into his mind, causing Todd to become extremely frustrated. He was filled with more emotion than usual but it could only be released by crying or screaming. Expressing emotions in such violent ways was not like Todd, but it was happening. Meeks, Knox, or Pitts had bursts through the doors of Todd's room after he had let out a rather violent and shocking scream to find him in tears over a blank piece of paper more than once.

Todd stood up from his desk and began to pace the room. He was so unbelievably restless; he could barely sit in class without taping his foot. Everything was wrong. Everything was flipped upside down. Todd was volatile, Pitts wasn't sassy, Meeks received an A minus on a Latin quiz, and Knox hadn't seen Chris all week. On top of all of this was the fact that Charlie, the most understanding of the Dead Poet Society members, was expelled from Wellton and sent to a military academy in Washington for "disciplinary purposes."

Did Neil think about how his death might affect all of his friends? Did it even pass through his mind? Neil really wouldn't do this; it had to be his father. It had to be. What else could explain it? Neil had no free will, and wasn't allowed to do the thing that filled him with exuberant happiness. He was always under so much stress and pressure: was what he did really that surprising?

Todd stopped pacing and faced the naked bed that previously belonged to Neil Perry. Suddenly, the barricade Todd had placed in his mind to block out any memories of Neil broke. Pressure pushed down on Todd's chest, nearly choking him. The pain in his chest was so agonising that Todd collapsed to his knees and gasped for air, tears angrily falling down his face.

The best memories of Neil rebelliously played in Todd's mind, and Todd couldn't shut them out. He saw the first time they met, when Neil wanted Todd _in_, when he chased Neil around their dorm to try to get his poem back, when they went to the dock and Neil practiced his lines, the flying desk set, the first (and last) time they kissed.

Hours passed as Todd remained on the floor, curled into fetal position. By this point, he was able to stop crying, but he couldn't stop shivering. Depression smothered him like a thick blanket and he couldn't find his way out. He couldn't even get up from the floor.

How was Todd going to live through this? He didn't have Neil, the only one who was able to break him out of his shell and allow him to be freed from the pressure of his older brother; he didn't have Charlie, the one person who actually understood how badly Neil's death hurt; he didn't have poetry, the one thing that allowed him to feel special, creative, and fully alive.

Everything was a mess.

It didn't take long for Todd to fall asleep. He was standing in what looked like the Henley Hall set of _A Midsummer Night's Dream_, except everything was real. The sun shined through the treetops and the flowers began to shimmer. Todd was breathless, overwhelmed by the beauty, when he noticed Neil leaning against a tree in the distance, flipping through what looked like the _Five Centuries of Verse. _

"Neil!" Todd ran through the woods towards Neil as quickly as he could. Neil looked up, saw the fast approaching Todd, and grinned the goofy grin Todd had fallen in love with. Todd jumped on Neil and hugged him tightly. He felt Neil's arm wrap around him and he remembered what it felt like to be happy: to be at peace.

"Todd, I've missed you so much," Neil smiled, cupping Todd's cheek in his hand once the two let go of each other. He leaned in and gave Todd a soft kiss on the lips. Todd was completely at a loss for words.

"Neil…wh-what…why—"

"I came to apologise," Neil sighed. "Killing myself, it was so stupid. It was so dramatic. I never imagined how much it would hurt you. If I had known, if I had thought about it for a second, I…" He took a shuddering breath and continued. "I never meant to hurt you, Todd. My father was sending me away for ten years, I wouldn't be with you, I wouldn't be able to act; I was tired of my father planning out my life! I couldn't think of any other way to escape."

Todd saw a tear roll down Neil's cheek, and he instinctively reached out and squeezed Neil's hand. Neil looked hard at Todd and softly said, "Todd, I am so, so sorry."

Todd, knowing this was probably one of the last times he would see Neil, pulled Neil into a kiss and whispered. "I forgive you."

That was all Neil needed to hear. He could finally rest in full, guilt-free peace.

"I miss you, Todd. But Heaven's a nice place. You'll like it when you get here."

Todd smiled. "Heaven's lucky to have you."

"I've got to go, but I love you. I love you so much." Quickly, Neil crashed his lips into Todd for one final time.

Todd quietly sobbed into his arm when he woke up on the floor. He knew that Neil was gone, and he knew it would be difficult to get over, but seeing Neil in his dream, getting to hold and kiss him, that would have to be enough for today.

Todd managed to give a small smile through his tears. He'd be okay. Meeks would be okay, Pitts would be okay, Knox would be okay, and Charlie would be okay. They'd all be okay.

Eventually.


End file.
